A year ago Nick and I baked a pumpkin pie together, as was our tradition. I made the crust and he the filling. Math department friends brought us the most beautiful thanksgiving meal. Nick was on oxygen 24/7 at that point but was on an off week between his first and second rounds of chemo. We’d just been in the hospital to discover his lungs were filling with cancerous liquid which would need draining, several times in the coming weeks. Beyond that much of the holiday is a blur… I remember Nick saying he was thankful we were all together, or maybe that was George. I didn’t say anything. I was so drained… powerless to do anything to help in this horrible fight that was thrust upon him.
This year, thanksgiving marks the end of a year of firsts. This is the final first holiday without Nick. Today I’ve tried to reflect on what it truly means to be thankful, as I am not feeling particularly thankful or grateful.
Merriam-Webster defines thankful as “conscious of benefit received”. I am achingly conscious that for 21 years and 121 days I was married to my best friend. This is a benefit so many will go a lifetime having never experienced. I am conscious of the unconditional love George and I share. I am conscious of the unwavering support of friends and family, near and far, and of the beautiful community we have surrounding us. So this year I am simply conscious of the benefits I have received. And it is in this way I am thankful.
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