Every day when I wake up the first thing I do is to check my Facebook memories. I yearn to escape into these flashbacks to a time when we were whole.
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| September 26, 2015 - Kauffman Center Kansas City, MO |
A recent memory that stood out was a night out at the opera. Look at us. I am bloated and 33.5 weeks pregnant with George. I’m tired, sore, and very much over being host to this humongous, ever growing (and kicking) parasite - sorry George! But look at Nick. Look at him. Look into his eyes. Everyone should have someone look at you this way. He is in love, yes… with me and with George - viable and yet unborn. But there is more in his eyes. Support, sympathy, wonder, amusement, joy, peace, wholeness, contentment… and honestly aren't those intricate components what make love LOVE? True love. Perhaps our world is so unhappy because love so often is missing this depth.
I am rambling a bit…
As we have entered fall, George and I both feel Nick’s absence more with every day. The change into autumn brings his fast decline and our frantic struggle all flooding back and the hurt is acute all over again. I feel emotionally heavy and physically tired. George feels it too, and cries “I miss Daddy” and wishes he could have stayed with us even just a “little bit longer”. To have to deal with your own grief and help guide your young child through his grief is awful. I hate that I am not the mother or person I should have been. I hate that George does not get the childhood he should have had.
And yet all we can do is the best we can do. It’s all I try for every moment, every day. My best some days is vastly different that other days and that is okay. It’s always my best at that moment and it is all I can do.
Katie, I am crying as I write because with all my heart, I long for Nick to be healthy and alive and by your side, looking at you and George with his deep and abiding love. How I wish I could snap my fingers and make the last two years just a wretchedly bad dream. But I can’t. Nothing I can do can fill the gaping hole in your life- but what I can do is give you my love and prayers and the assurance that you are an amazing person and an absolutely awesome mother. Your best every day is precious! Eric has said many times that Nick was one of the finest people he’s ever known. I want to add that you, too, are one of the finest people I’ve ever known. Love you, dear Katie!
ReplyDeleteKatie, I don't know why, but this change of season, even though Autumn is my favorite, makes me feel the same pangs of grief and loss too. Maybe it is because I love the season and want to enjoy it again like we used to. You are doing all you can do and you are doing it well. I can't imagine how hard it is to try to keep two of you together on any given day. The best I can offer is that it is the darkest right before it is light and everyday is new light. These waves come and go. I hope this is a tiny wave and tomorrow you are filled with more strength. Love to you and George
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing mom and I can see through the pictures that George is an amazing child. Praying for you and George.
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